Why Kids (and adults) Sometimes Cry

Copy of the BBC written news report here (with a personal message from me to any abused child.)

I think most people faced with a situation of seeing a child harmed would jump to their aid but then there are the few who get pleasure hurting and or sexually abusing kids. These people have clearly missed out on a very important life lesson. There are some others who get paid a lot of money who just can't be bothered and do their best to pass anything that actually requires any work off to somebody else, they wash their hands of everything and then don't follow up on a problem. These people too have missed out on a very important life lesson. Today unlike in my day children (in the UK) have childline on 08001111 and this is a very good thing but you sometimes get school staff or social workers who rather than take time with a child in difficulty just look for any reason to palm them off to somebody else or childline seemingly so they can get on with something else. Straight up George Abbot school in Guildford despite my 5 clear and polite requests over a two month period refused to make a simple phonecall for my son who was in difficulty but they gave him the number for childline suggestng he phone them for support. These people too have clearly missed out on a very important life lesson. I mean what is the point of life if its not to teach and help the next generation? One day that child will grow up and there is no telling where their memories might take them when they understand what you might have done. For me it only took a letter to: Chief Constable, historic cild abuse allegations, Guildford Police station... And they along with West Mercia police were great from start to finish. It was a shame about my wife but these things happen.

Now it must have been such hard work for Laura, my wife having to look after a troubled child who never like his mother took anything from the 'cry wolf' lesson we all get age 4 or 5. Poor woman had to watch me her husband suffer a nervous breakdown after I was falsely accused of abusing the lad by this work to rule school SENCO who would not even make a phone call for the child and fed her ideas to a stupid social worker who honestly just got in the way! My heart bleeds for her! Not to worry there was always Boger, her boss someone 23 years older and wiser (father figure) offering her an easier life and telling her what to do. Walk out with a text message." Gretna Green 2 weeks after the divorce they got married. Walk out on your kids with a text message, cry rape in the divorce. things people will do for love (or an easy life) hey. Getting remarried without even telling your kids. No wonder she is in hiding.

You have to laugh really as she lost everything not realising I had covertly recorded her confession where she told me all about the affair and made it clear I had done nothing wrong! Then she went to see a solicitor and found out what it would cost her so out came a few stories. When she threatened to cry rape and assault in an attempt to get ahead she was stupid enough to allow a solicitor to put it in print. I might have suffered a second nervous breakdown doing it but I simply got out the recording below and then told as many people as possible! I don't think her dad was that impressed, "I don't expect you did..." and that was without hearing the recording. Just listen to the way Boger talks to my then 12 year old son (below) and his mother just sat there without a care for the damage it was doing to him.

Laura's confession: Its pretty clear I knew my then wife well and was just covering my back.

What happened when our 12 year old son got to confront mum and her new man a year later (his idea, with the help of his aunt. I knew little about this until he handed me a memory stick.) She (Mum) just dropped the kids like a stone not to be seen for months and point blank refused to talk to them. She simply without a word walked out of one life and walked into another via a text message. 'Sorry I'm not coming back I'm with somebody else now' not to be seen or heard from in months. I supose that will teach me to get ill and suffer a mental breakdown.

My childhood: Berrow Wood School (aka borstal).
Pre 1986 and Esther Rantsen nobody listened to the child and in a boarding school they could employ anybody to care for the children even criminals done for assult, like the guy who sexually abused me! This place kind of taught me not to trust anybody in a school environment.

Enough to leave a wound deep enough to drive any parent to a nervous breakdown if later falsely accused of child abuse brought about as a result of his wifes affair and total lack of interest in their children. I knew the shit was going to hit the fan when after my 6th request for anybody in authority to make a simple phonecall for my son (to my only support, the scout movement) was refused and met with a false child abuse allegation directed at me. These things happen only my own childhood taught me to seriously fear school staff and social workers. It also taught me to covertly record just about everything when I get bad vibes because to be totally honest unless I know them well I simply don't trust any school staff. 'Thats Life' or maybe my dry sense of humour taught me to put it everything together and publish it on the internet. (only after my children turned 25 and having given Laura a chance to at least play mother. She managed the meeting on birthdays and at Christmas but little else.)

It was a giggle covertly recording the social workers trying to step back and deny any wrongdoing. Not to mention the next head of George Abbot School in Guildford having to apologise trying to pick up the pieces and make the best out of a bad deck of cards. I think she and the year head with her did really well given the position they found themselves in as it was before their time so they had nothing to do with it. You know how one person normally blames the another (indirectly) or the workload of these poor SENCOS, I mean just look at what they get paid 50 to 54K per year according to Google! beats my 25 - 30 and I worked long hours and had a responsible job I had to train for years to do too! Every now and again I write to every member of staff in George Abbot School with a link to my website (lifeafterchildbuse.com) I never get a reply but it makes me feel good. Its like an education, listen to the parent or one day it might cost you your job because to most parents there is nobody more important than their child or children. You might find some whilst polite and non confrontational really pissed off parent turning to face everybody. Then fighting tooth and nail for their child naming you and your school, dropping their partner in it and covertly recording the fireworks and doing what I have done below! I so wish looking back I had blurted out about the affair in the meeting I recoded below. The advice I had been given from my sons shrink was to open up and tell the school everything but I bottled it at the last minute hoping I could be wrong. And there was no way I was going to admitt being the victim of childhood sexual abuse in front of a bunch of strangers looking for a problem. That said I had to protect my son from these people who were trying to deal with my wife and simply did not have a clue. (Word of advice, never come between a father and his kids.)

Of course as a parent I knew if I were to raise my voice or get angry with anybody I would be seen as in the wrong and unreasonable and this would be counter productive. That said I was so confused how could they suggested abuse, point the finger at me yet all refuse to make a simple phonecall for my son. And why could my wife simply not care a hoot about any of it? An affair is one thing but this was our son! 6 requests to make this phone call over 2 months all refused for a troubled child the school was being paid a lot of extra money to support. Mr Maloney the then head replied to my complaint stating he was unsure for what he would be apologising for. The reply to my 6th request was "Thats not our job, speak to the social worker" (who had also refused) "there has been an abuse allegation" as the teacher turned and tried to walk away. Kind of summed up this womans attitude clearly working to rule and pointing the finger at me. Then when I finally and politely hit the roof after the social worker told me CAMHS who had not even met anybody were of the opinion my son should be in care. (the look of shock on school staffs faces when I repeated that, it was so obvious I thought it was fake) the school blame the social workers and the social workers tell a pack of lies. Thats life I suppose, in the same way you can't force a lazy mother to spend time with and look after a troubled child when there is an easier option on the table you can't force a school and social worker to work together and provide their services with reasonable care and skill. Especially if there is an the option to pass everything off to somebody else and just shut the door. The more people and stages between problem and solution (ie passing the buck to the next person who just follows a how to script and has no common sense) the more likely you are to make a total pigs ear of sorting out a problem. The first thing I did was ask the school after the first issue to contact the scout movement but the school refused and called in the social workers, that was in October, put that together with my then wifes confession above.

I honestly thought this social worker was a thick trainee out on her first case. If your a social worker or school teacher with a child in difficulty and the father is asking you to contact the scout movement as I did for example, for advice it should be pretty clear this parent is on his or her own with ther child and trying to help you do your job. OK who would have thought the father despite being married and working 6 days a week was bringing up the children on his own while his wife was leaving the children 8 and 11 on their own to make their own dinner and fend for themselves while she went about chasing after her affair partner and an easier life? Just check out the dates in Lauras confession and put it all together. The day our son started secondry school I twigged my wife was chasing affair an because there was some work to be done like driving our son to his new school (that Laura who only worked 3 nights a week refused to do because she was too busy.) Then 3 weeks later dealing with school staff inquiring why our son was so unhappy. Laura simply went running after her affair partner Boger with. "I don't know what to do." Seriously it was a punch line along with "I don't know, what do you think?" I bet Boger thought he had won the lottery, well he is welcome to her! Just listen to the way he spoke to my son above and there is nothing I can do about it other than to teach my children about nasty people. When I finally got hold of the teachers notes file and a copy of my sons school file things became clearer as in the teachers notes file they had written 'Mother seems disinterested' this when our son desperate for his mothers attention started talking about suicide. They told his mother but nobody told me.

Now here is a very important life lesson. 'He who shouts loudest (ie: misbehaves) normally has something to hide.' Don't just see a child misbehaving and confront that, ask 'why is this child misbehaving.' It might be their mother has just dropped them like a stone as she finds an easier life far far away with her boss. Sorry kids I failed that lesson but maybe I can help the next person understand.
In the same way when he exposed himself to another student (for attention and a dare) they told his mother but nobody told me.

After I hit the roof and demanded a copy of the school file and teachers log. "Before we hand you this file, are you aware?"

As for the way this lad confronted mum and Boger (2nd recording above after a lot of qualified counselling.) I think its priceless and did him a lot of good. Autistic they called him. Different maybe but I would question autistic.

I had earlier totally lost the plot when the social worker told me CAMHS were without even meeting the child or family of the opinion he should be in care. (I had confirmed my wifes affair by this point and had lost trust in just about everybody except my sons scout leader and prior school head who dropped everything to help out after I ended up in tears in her school asking for help.) I had been falsely accused of child abuse and the social worker who like the school would not even make a phonecall for the lad has just told us people furthur up the tree who have not even met any of us think our child should be in care. And all my wife wanted to do was the unpaid overtime like that was not obvious.

After my own biological father bolted when I was a 7 year child I went a little off the rails and the social workers convinced my mother 'Berrow Wood (boarding) School' would be a better place for me. They knew all the time this place was sexually abusing kids but just brushed it all under the carpet. It was simply the cheapest place they could palm troubled children off to and forget about them. I so did not want my own children to come from a broken home or be anywhere near a social worker or the care system. I mean no disrespect to anybody in that profession but I really can't after my own childhood trust any of them. Then came the pass the buck not my job if I can pass it off to a somebody else do nothing staff at George Abbot School in Guildford who with their false alegations fed us to the social workers and drove me to a nervous breakdown sending my wife right into the arms of her Boger no doubt with a few of her stories. Just listen to her when our eldest son got to confront her. "It causes my brain to decide every muscle in my body hurts, not all the time but most of the time." What rubbish was she trying to feed this child. He was 12 not 5. I knew my wife well and that she would run from a problem generally with a story of woe. We had been married for 15 years and it was just one story after another as thats just her way generally used to get out of doing any work. It might have cost me a nervous breakdown doing this but what other choice did I have? OK I was playing thick but a Quote from somebody in the meeting, "He is way way less stupid than he thinks he is." The person who said it was not talking about my son.

At least a year head gave me a hug and told me it was a good job I spoke up when I did. Was the social worker bricking it as I went off on one, you can hear her trying to interrupt me. Then I took the recording to the prior school head asking for help and took my son to see a shrink. "They have got the wrong idea and run with it." And the scout leader who had been waiting 2 months for a phonecall, "Tell them I want contact with anybody concerned with your son before somebody makes a big mistake." You see what I did not know until I got hold of a copy of the teachers notes file was the school had twice requested the social worker make this call. I was simply floored by the dates and could see no further than the idea they were paste and copied and added after the fact.

The school took over now and I never spoke to the social worker again. Its just a shame as I was so far up a tree I could not see it and saw it as the school covering their behind. Unfortunately it was too late as my wife was so far into her affair looking for an easier life by this point. You see what I did no know at this point was the school had been trying to deal with Laura who just blanked them. Our 8 year old had earlier told me looking for help about mums affair like I had not worked it out. This just as the social worker told me CAMHS who had not even met anyone were of the opinion our son should be in care.

The BBC news report below might explain why I had such issues dealing with school staff. Why I had even bigger issues when falsely accused of abusing my son by a social worker both who despite 6 clear and polite requests over 2 months would not even make a phonecall for the lad. Not to mention talk of taking him into care a suggestion reportedly made by people who had not even met him or the family and was based on reports from this social worker and school SENCO. I was so not going to shut up until I got an apology from somebody. I wrote to the world and his wife, the more the better even got it in the SUN newspaper until the school and social workers twigged what I was doing. (They are all as bent as each other. They can put a topless woman on page 3 and advertise who knows what in the personal column but criticise a supposedly good state school and call a social worker incompetent publishing a link to a website with a number of covert recordings on it? Our readers would not want to read that, your just a commoner and are now barred from placing adverts!) Believe me when it comes down to brass tacks you really are on your own. The social workers and CAMHS now I needed a bit of help could not run away and hide quickly enough. After I braught in my sons own kiddy shrink (who was related and worked for a council elsewhere) I never saw them again. Earlier after I confronted my wife about the affair she had bolted with a text message emptying the bank account not to be seen for months. Luckly her sister came to the rescuse with our children while I was in hospital and Laura refused to look after our children going on holiday with Boger. She (Laura) is seemingly in hiding now having lost everything, I hope Boger and his one bedroom council bungalow was worth it. I must have done something right as I paid off the mortgage (thanks in part to money left to me by Laura's stepmother) and I got to retire at 50!

Please if you have too much money send some of it here to these people and help the next abused child to speak up, face the demons and not live like I did for so many years in fear of anybody ever finding out.

The apology, Yeh, like they will ever use my book to educate a social worker!

Sending this guy pretty high up in Surrey Social Care a copy of my book after the interview above and asking him for an opinion made me feel great. It also did me a lot of good writing the book. How else could he answer without making Surrey County Council well liable. I Got compensation in the end. 5,000 it was an insult that kind of sums up the systems in place in this country. You see Berrow Woods insurance company just washed their hands of the whole thing so I was left with the states offering. It felt good to sting a manager when they tried to brainwash me with BS and lies! It felt even better to see my abuser 'Barry Desmond Newton Hastings' below sent to jail.

It was a shame he died 18 months later as it would have been better if he had suffered living in fear for as long as I have. I like to think I've got past it now but I so used to suffer with fear induced mental problems. The fear of anybody finding out what happened to me in my childhood and judging me as having enjoyed it or having been complicit to it or even worse the suggestion I might reenact it. The harder you try to drive the memory away the bigger the fear of anybody finding out grows. I still do now suffer with scolionophobia, its real and the deal with Laura my wife was I simply would have nothing to do with the schools our children attended save the annual school meetings. She knew all about my childhood well before we got married and did I fear my sons new secondary school. I could barely walk into this school on my own and then there was a problem, my wifes affair. We (my sons and I) all knew and we all knew we all knew but I kind of felt if we sort this school issue out things would get back to normal. Was I a fool or what. It was all over and I had no choice but to deal with this new school. Graham my boss who really did look after me got me in front of a shrink who led me to ask myself a question, let me frame it for you here. 'It can't be a childs fault can it? if they have been led into making mistakes if led by an adult authority figure.' That was so simple and so obvious but I never saw it coming and being led to it from a stranger (older and wiser) so broke my fear and allowed me to report my abuser to the police (who were like 100% great from start to finish.) It was not what she (the shrink) said to me but the way she led me to it. If your a child and get hit by a drunk driver you might suffer with physical problems for years. Not the childs or later adults fault is it? If a child finds themselves in care being sexually abused by an adult they might suffer with mental (trust and fear) issues / triggers for years. Often when you read these reports they don't talk about the physical pain, a memory and fear (mental problem just ready to be fired up) that lives with you for life. Not the child's or later adults fault is it? I hope that helps the maybe 1 in 20 it was written for. I feel so much better for not having to keep this childhood secret any more. I feel so much better to feel inside that it was not my fault after blaming myself and keeping quiet for so many years.

Sorry I can't write a book to save my life (bad schooling) but I hope it might help the 1 in 20 it was written for. Its pretty obvious but it can for some be a bit of a trigger

Written book here. (5 1/2 MB pdf file)

If you would like to pay for your copy or just say thanks Click here (H D Services)

It was a bit of a giggle when I found my ex was working while I was only receiving 16 a month in child support for 2 children. The CSA often did not have a clue and assumed I was the one paying my ex. wife child support. Its really annoying as most people assume the mother is the one to look after the children and its the father who bolts / has little interest.

Just listen to the two recordings above and read the letter below. Boger thought I did not have permission for an extention I built. It was odd a few weeks later I received a letter from the inland revenue suggesting I was living with a Sarah 'V' Smith and should not be claming single persons tax credits. I ask you some people are just so thick. He was pissed off as he realised he had missed out on the free house he thought he had won! He and my ex. (who he really is welcome to) will have to remain in their one bedroom council property maybe with the doors shut and curtains drawn because the chances are they will never be able to move and I'm sure all their neighbours know all about them.

I wonder if she had to pay it all back.

'Laura & Boger': 'The odd couple' a fat woman who walked out on her kids with no warning and a text message followed by one lie after another and the sly talking skinny old man (homewrecker) happily living in a one bedroom council bungalow. Both together without a care in the world, They don't even have to struggle climbing the stairs.

What do I care, I survived my childhood unlike some others RIP two of my best friends, David and Graham. My kids survived their mother. I did well out of the divorce and am just now trying to help others by sharing my story. Its a shame I can't put their (Laura and Bogers) address or real name on here as apparently I'm not allowed to directly identify them even if I can prove everything I've written is the truth. Its not so much about potential liability but insighting unrest or malicious communication. The odd thing is that if I were a news reporter I could but this site is more about giving childline on 0800 1111 a plug.

I was so hung up on why the school would not make a phonecall for my child that I missed a number of other things especially the affect mums affair and my reaction to it would have on our children. Honestly if you twig your partners affair don't think you are doing your kids any good by trying to live with it. You see the school were trying to deal with my wife who was more interested in her affair and ignoring the problem. My advice is to get some evidence, keep your cool and covertly record everything and don't tell anybody. An affair will more than likely lead to divorce and a few stories and few people will question a woman who cries rape and assault.

What I did not know when I sent theese complaints was that the school had quizzed my wife asking if I was getting angry and hitting the children and she just blanked them, seemingly with her favorite statement "I don't know what do you think?" This leading the school into rewarding my son for saying anything they wanted to hear. It started with "if you can't do your homework, don't worry we won't set you any." Talk about leading him on! I seriously thought they were deliberately teaching him to fail. Then they asked him "what will your mother do if she finds out?" "Mum will be embarrassed." "What will your dad do?" "Dad will get angry." and there set the foundation when for a dare my son exposed himself to another student. "Oh don't tell my dad he will beat me with a stick." Our son has now twigged the more ridicolus his stories get the less likely anybody is going to tell his dad about anything. Or to use the words of my sons shrink 'they have got the wrong idea and run with it.'

I had to feel for the next head of the school who was seemingly forced to hear me out a few years later.

I was really flying by this point and if I was going to pick a fight with somebody I was going for the person at the top of the tree, make things public, show them, get some names and then ask them very publically for an opinion and publish that too. Of course all the time I'm doing this I still don't have the teachers notes file and don't realise my wife Laura knows everything and has simply kept me in the dark.
This website is about trying to help the next person. You see only evidence counts unless it comes from a social worker when their opinion is the evidence and is all that's required. Social workers are like car mechanics some can only change the oil and just fit different bits guessing what might be wrong. Some of them lie to cover their behind when they get things wrong. Others are true professionals who actually listen do a great job and go the extra mile a bit like my sons scout leader. It really is the luck of the draw!

If you ever twig your partner is playing away the chances are its all over but don't hit the roof as the chances are that will end up in a bunch of stories. Solicitors love stories it as its easy money in the bank for them writing stupid letters to each other and dragging things out for as long as possible. Seriously some of them have templates for it. A solicitor is in business to make money, your money! and they are not your friend. Get some evidence, keep it to yourself. Don't tell anybody any lies or exaggerate anything. We all make mistakes and if its not malicious and does not cause a lot of harm, who cares? Then just wait for the stories all the better if they can be shown as fiction and come in print from a solicitor! Then bring out your evidence. You see sometimes when a solicitor finds their client not being straight with them they simply drop the client as nobody wants to represent a client who can be shown as a bad parent and fundamentally dishonest. When I wrote a 10 page presentation with covert recordings and a copy of my sons school file my solicitor knew I was not going to play games and it would all end up on the internet. She shut the other side down in 2 letters and got my costs too.

And I normally walk away from a fight but this was for my kids, now well into their 20's and I had a recording of my then wifes confession as she explained I had done nothing wrong (apart from suffer a nurvous breakdown) and she agreed to put her hands up to adultry.

Don't be fooled you have got over it if you were sexually abused as a child because the memories (or moreover the emotions that go with them) are like a cancer they can sleep for years but can then be fired up without warning and without support things can go from 5 to 500 with as little as one comment. (My 5th request to my son's SENCO in 2 months to contact my son's scout leader.) "That's not our job, speak to the social worker there has been an abuse allegation." At 100 you can't think straight by the time you get to 400 you can't even walk in a straight line. Doctors are all very good at doing what doctors do but when it comes to talking your brain down from 500 (and it might well not be your fault your brain is at 500) you might need help from a shrink as well as your doctor. This makes you no less of a person than anybody else.

Clearly Boger and Laura are not my ex. and her husbands real names.

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