So when my eldest son was 11 years old I having as good as paid off the mortgage took out a new mortgage in order to move house and get our children into what was sold to me as one of the best schools in Guildford. This was important to me as the local secondary school had at the time a very bad reputation. I knew my wife was not really on board but after my own childhood where I was sexually abused in a state funded boarding school giving our children the best chance affordable was my duty you might say before God. Honestly for me that was the purpose of life.
You kind of know you have made a mistake when the first thing you hear from your sons special needs schoolteacher as he starts secondary school is her having a proper tantrum stating "Oh shit he is only level 2 we'll loose him next year." I mean I kind of expected a few problems after that but I did not expect me to get seriously mentally ill, my wife to have an affair, walk out on the family with a text message and for me to be falsely accused of child abuse. You see as time went on with my sons special needs teachers refusal to make this simple phonecall for him to somebody who knew what they were doing things kind of sent me over the edge. Then along with my wifes whole indifference to everything and my own childhood memories getting in the way I kind of lost the plot when I twigged the wifes affair. A special needs teacher who despite 5 clear and polite requests over 2 months refused to make a simple phone call for the lad. Its a shame things put me in hospital with a mental breakdown but the shit had to hit the fan eventually. According to George abbot school the statement "that's not our job speak to the social worker, there has been an abuse allegation" as the teacher tried to walk away on my 5th request was not a direct false abuse allegation directed at me. To quote his (the school heads) letter in reply to my complaint the school had been working 'tirelessly' with my son since the day he started. (see the last chapter in my book below.) or just listen to the 30 minute recording with the next school head at the bottom of the page
By my experience social workers are a nightmare keeping secrets and telling lies, they told my mother 'berrow wood (boarding) school' would be beneficial for me when I was a child. 6 of the 13 staff who ran it were eventually jailed for child abuse the year after I ran away missing all my childhood examination never to return. Eventually 9 were jailed, one man for 27 years. In the real world whilst they, social workers might be nice enough people they are just book keepers and take no responsibility for their actions or recommendations. Oh we have a department for this, another organization for that but ask us to contact anybody not on our approved list for help and advice, that's against policy like showing you our files about your child. I had an MP help me with that. Look at the grief I had to go through just to have them take notice of my complaint"
I wont suggest for one minute they or my sons school file or teachers log was altered before I got to see everything. It made them (George Abbot School, my sons school) jump when I put my phone on the table, pressed record, did the below and took it to the prior school head. "help me they have not got a clue what they are doing, they have been pushing buttons and now found one that hurts. Please play this DVD (my recording) to his prior teacher and help me, they are talking about taking him into care." Did this head jump! I'm sure she had a soft spot for my son. When she retired years later my sons prior teacher became head of that school.
I took my son to see a kiddy shrink (you might say distant relative working in a different county.) Whatever He (my son) had said or done at school had in the space of 2 weeks taken the social worker from "I'm going to close the case" into a false child abuse allegation directed at me. This sent my wife running for the hills. You see according to the social worker CAMHS who had not even met the lad had suggested to the social worker my son should be in care. 20 minutes after meting my son. The shrink, "They have got the wrong idea and run with it, Ill have a chat with my boss and take it on as a case." He knew I was sexually abused in Berrow Wood School when I was a child and his advice was to "Open up and tell the school everything." Well I knew that would send my wife running but it was a simple choice, 1 try and save the marriage or 2 try and help my son. No contest! In the mean time our younger son has told me in the only way an 8 year old can about mums affair. I nearly blurted it out in the recording made at school below. Looking back I so wish I had.
You try facing a group of strangers in a school meeting and telling them you are a child abuse victim sexually abused by a housemaster in boarding school. I was so frightened I had to read from a script. How could I ever explain it happened more than once before I ran away? I reasoned others would assume that made it my idea. If I ever told anybody would they assume as some do that the abused will become an abuser? And I knew they were clueless and looking for a problem that did not exist until they created it leading my son into saying anything that made him the center of attention.
A year head, nice lady came up to me, gave me a hug and told me it was a good job I spoke up when I did. I still ended up in the mental hospital and it took getting on for 10 years to get past it. My employer, Graham was great, found, paid for and arranged for counseling for me for like 3 months. (best thing anybody has ever done for me) My wife, she walked out with a text message emptying the bank account. I now had 2 very disturbed children, no money, a fulltime job, a mortgage to pay, only £278 to my name and had to explain to my children that mum was not coming back. Now when your as ill as I was that was very hard. My soon to be ex sister in law kind of took over being mum to the children from then to this day and she helped me no end just chatting things through as my wife was not to be seen or heard from in months. My children needed to face her (mum) on their terms and get answers and bless her my soon to be ex. sister in law made it happen. Well, the boyfriend led the conversation and I think my son did very well in being polite and standing up to him! I knew nothing about the below until my son (at the time age 12) handed me a memory stick.
The key bit in the above recording is. "A few years ago, what I was willing to do. Nobody hears that." They do now Roger (top man!) tells you how long the affair was going on for.
Well Mr Maloney the then head of George abbot school started doing some back peddling now ' We never made a child abuse allegation, not us' this totally dismissing the fact over 2 months I had made 5 requests of the school to contact my only support, my sons scout leader for advice. A grown man with kids of his own. And lets not forget the school were being paid a lot of extra money to support my son with his education statement.
The social workers rather than apologising for refusing to make this phone call just replied with 'The social worker has confirmed that at no time did she agree to contact a scout leader.' No mention of the fact she took a letter and the number from me. They really could not give a shit, social workers head office, read the letter and make up your own mind. (last chapter in my book below) I did not see it at the time but staff at George abbot school kind of jumped to sort things out, within 3 or 4 days the social workers had written to me explaining they had closed their case, CAMHS a week later. Mind you, that might have had something to do with the prior school head and teacher who like the lads scout leader were great. Now I wanted a copy of the school file and teachers log. I got them eventually 2 letters and reminders. I wont suggest they were altered before I received them but as you might expect I found some anomalies and made a big deal out of them. As for the social workers, they did not even file my letter. They really don't like a parent nosing through one of their files and they refused me a copy of it. This was my child, I was legally responsible for him, his only guardian and I wanted to know what had been going on that I had been falsely accused of abuse!
Now I'm not suggesting for one minute this file was altered after the fact or additional entries were made (No it was just a typo?) just ask yourself why there is a month between the date of the entry and the action for this urgent issue? If it was as they state an 'urgent issue' why would they refuse to make a phonecall for the child? If it was a simple typo how could something that happened after school be dealt with at 8.45 on the same day? And why does the same entry appear to be entered twice and only one making reference to my wanting feedback re calling my sons scout leader for support? (no it was not added after the event was it?) I mean they wrote it down like that was all they had to do and then just got on with something else. You might understand why after their 3rd refusal to make this simple phonecall for my son I had real bad vibes and started covertly recording meetings in this school. Vibes, natures way of warning you something you can't see is obviously wrong! I'll tell you some breeds of dog are really good at sensing bad vibes and I've been around dogs all my life. You can learn a lot from watching a dog. my parents used to breed and show them.
Get that, my son was apparently led on by an older student the school guarateed would be nowhere the year 7 children (for a dare) to expose himself to another student and nobody told me for 4 months until I demanded a copy of the school file. Odd they left that detail out of the report.
I mean I was flying for years and the authorities had to take notice when I started publishing stuff on the internet, writing to them and then asking them for an opinion. I was going to get an apology from someone eventually! Word of advice, never trust anyone who sounds like a salesman / woman people who do sound like salesmen / women pushing their product just give me bad vibes. If a product is any good it will sell itself!
In the mean time I have finally reported my childhood abuser to the police. He died 2 years later after being jailed. Court was so much easier than I thought it might be. The defence try and find dirt on the victim so you have to be pretty white clean to get anywhere. The worst they could find on me was a bad school report. Even the judge was not impressed with the defence bringing that up as he dismissed it as irrelevant. I sometimes wonder if a child friendly thug got hold of him (my abuser). Seemingly others had reported him in the past and the police knew all about him but I was the one who got him put away. Here he is waiting to go into court for sentence knowing he was likely going to die in jail. I had an old schoolfriend who took time out of work supporting me, he had nobody. A far cry from the hardnut ex. SAS soldier he fooled us kids he was when I was a child at Berrow Wood School.
Well teachers and social workers, the lesson is in 2 parts
1, If a parent asks you to make a phone call as I did say 5 times during a 2 month period to the child's scout movement for advice there probably is a very good reason for it!
2, It might cost you and your school a lot less time, effort and money than refusing and falsely accusing the parent of child abuse. You see to quote my sons scout leader "Tell them I want contact with anybody concerned with your son before somebody makes a big mistake." As he said to the head my son "is a very unique individual.' Thats code for he can think for himself, lead people on, play mind games, and question what he is told unlike school staff who are trained to push the panic button, assume a child never exaggerates things or just says what the child thinks they want to hear. A parent will in this case more than likely have a support system in place be it church, the scout movement etc. You might find these people far more qulified than you or a social worker who has just met the child no matter how good you might think your school is!
You might find the parent kicking up a stink if falsely accused of abuse by people unwilling to even make a phonecall for the child. For 1 in 20 it really hurts! They might like I did contact the prior school for help, (something the staff George Abbot School stated they would do in the event of issues with new students. More staff in year 7 just for things just like that apparently.) You might come across a nutter like me who puts everything on a website and fights back! They might like I did contact the social workers boss, the social workers bosses boss, the press, an MP, some shirt high up in government. Hell they might even write to the PM and put that on youtube. They might like I did get a load of DVD's manufactured and send a copy to every school head in Surrey. You might find a dedicated website out there years later produced to maybe help other people in a similar situation. Even a book! It might still be there 20 years later with your school named on it and in the book! If you really make a pigs ear out of things and just blank them you might find the parent of a child covertly recording meetings with you.
"Has anybody contacted my sons scout leader yet?" My 6th request of anybody in authority over 8+ weeks! "That not our job, speak to the social worker, there has been an abuse allegation." Social worker: After taking the letter with the number on it. "No I won't do that somebody in the office will." Oh and (6 weeks later still not having made the phone call) CAMHS (who had not even met the child) are suggesting your son should be in fostercare." My question to you as the reader of this site is 'How would you define incompetent'? I mean you can choose what garage you take your car to for its mot but the state chooses your childs social worker. In her defence at least the special needs teacher looked clearly shocked when I repeated that. I never spoke to the social worker again other than to once again give her the number for my sons scout leader. Then from the social workers came a few stories. "we had the wrong phone number or could not get through." Morons! they either had the wrong phone number and they could not get through hardly 'or'! Then they deny all knowledge of the request. I had a vibe such nonsence would be made so I gave the number again to everybody in the school meeting recorded above on an A4 sheet of paper filling 1/2 the page! Then more for my own recovery and to compartmentalize things in my head I wrote the book below.
Written book here. (5 1/2 MB pdf file)
You might eventually find a story on the BBC.
40 years they knew about this place abusing kids and did nothing!
The BBC News report:
You might have thought that was the end of things and we all were to live happily ever after. No, you see then came the divorce and I knew my wife was good with a story if led on, a bit like our son so I did this prior to the divorce, you know kind of covering as many bases as possible. I was a couple of weeks out of hospital, you might say still pretty mentally ill and these text messages had been sent around the family suggesting I had at some point hurt my wife. Now if you knew me, that's simply not me to hurt a woman or for that matter a child. The language used in these text messages simply did not belong to my then wife. It was not how she spoke or put a sentence together. I saw it straight away. Well I kind of had things covered with another covert recording when I received from her solicitor a letter that amounted to a rape and assault allegation in a cross petition to her adultery we had agreed to divorce on. Well you can think for yourself or you can pay a solicitor to spend your money and I had all these covert recordings so up went a website presentation for my solicitor. Ill bet the other side was not expecting that! 99 times out of 100 I walk away from strife, turn the other cheek but I had at the time a far bigger duty to teach and protect my children. If your put in a corner and forced to defend yourself you might as well go for broke!
I was very ill by now but just covering my back. As you can tell I knew there would eventually be one of her stories.
Not going to dissapear, love the kids to bits? a far cry from the 100% sure she wants to give them up for Roger.
She bolted like the rat she is! and I was left to (with a lot of help) to bring up our children on my own working full time. I can tell you my employer Graham made so many allowances for me to help me out.
Well by this time everyone is going to know the whole story and have the opportunity to listen to my recordings and make up their own mind. At the time I was pretty ill as all I could see was my children being abused in care as I was and my being falsely fingered for child abuse. I'm as good as retired now and have a really good relationship with my children. You see my wife lost everything and had to pay my costs too. She is now living in a council bungalow with her not so new husband. You see now our kids are nearly 30 I genuinely hope she is happy because I am! No more fantasies and stories I had to pretend to be interested in.
I got my apolgy from George abbot school eventually and this lady, the next head (stand in head) and her colleague had nothing to do with things that happened years earlier!
Funny this SENCO kind of disappeard soon after this meeting. Seemingly when the next head came in she made some serious changes.
I got in front of some top dog in social services eventually.
This was his letter in reply, hardly an apology.
Well that was published in the hope it might help somebody else. (The best apology you might ever get from the social workers is for them to close their case and do something else.) Of course if you register a website like lifeafterchildabuse.com put your story on it, a book and post a link to like the world and his wife they have to kind of respond. The book was written when I was in a very bad place struggling with childhood not so much memories but the recurring emotions and feelings that go with them. I was at the time 38 but in my head I was a frightened abused 14 year old child in a blind panic trying to save my son from experiencing what I did at the hands of the state. I knew my wife was carrying on with somebody at word and my childhood problems started with divorce and my father Clive running for the hills never to be seen again.
With complements to the many people who have helped my children and me over the years! There have been far to many to list.
There can be a good life after child abuse, here I am (Darren Ingall) receiving the Mayors award for service to the community 2025.
To Linda, my ex. a bit of advice, next time you walk out on a marriage with a text message and a story don't be surprised if your partner has recorded your confession and admission of your fear of being made bankrupt by the divorce. You see your husband might be a bit brighter than you think and have created a conversation where you had to correct him to show you were not just blindly following along.
Divorce is easy money for a solicitor who may given the opportunity lead you into telling stories and charge you for the privilege. Either way they get paid, more if they can drag it out. Honestly do you really think they are working for you or to make money? Some of them are like second hand car dealers who charge more than full price for fitting second hand parts and inventing work to charge more money.
As for teachers, its just luck of the draw. I've met some really good ones in my time. (no really I have!) There was this teacher for example Mr Griffiths. Never touched a child, never raised his voice and just about every child in the school respected the guy. If you played up in this guys class, you found yourself like at odds with nearly all the other students. Then there was Mr Crompton D of E and RE teacher, sold God pretty hard but you could trust him. I've also met for example a school head who would routinely punch and strangle a child (as young as 12) until they pass out and a number of other staff who thought nothing of punhing children. He (the school head) died I'm told 2 weeks after coming out of jail. I sometimes wonder if a prior student got hold of him. You see all us kids in Berrow Wood were in the same boat, physical, emotional and sexual abuse only a lot thanks to the lack of action by the authorities have ever been heard! Is it no wonder I started making covert recordings of meetings in George abbot school when they fed my son to the social workers. I'm sure some of them do their job really well and respect to you if your one of them who do. Some are just like older schoolchildren with no idea other than what a teacher might feed them. For some its just a job and numbers and statistics.
If you have a concern about a parent be straight with them. "We have concerns about your child, do you have anybody in what you might call a professional standing that can vouch for you? like a church leader, scout leader, maybe if the child is new to the area a prior schoolteacher." Hell that is what the then head of George Abbot said would happen in the event of issues with new students in his pre school speech. The parent might say, "Yeh no problem here is a number for our childs step uncle who is a qualified shrink... Have you contacted the feeder school and spoken to his prior teacher? We have had issues before." No its easier to push the panic button or create a reason to push the panic button and give it all to a social worker. Quote from my sons shrink, I employed "this is what they do when they have given up on a child." Well I made them jump!
I gave George Abbot school and the social workers the right of reply in 2011 listen to the recordings above.